“You do the most damage when you’re in a hurry.” I heard that line a decade ago, and it has anchored itself in my mind ever since. Think about a time when you were in a hurry driving somewhere and almost got into an accident. You weren’t focused on the cars around you because you were on a mission to be on time for that appointment.
Or, think of when you left the house in a rush and left your phone on the kitchen table. Examples like this are endless. We cause many problems when we’re not at peace and patient in our circumstances.
Taking things slow especially applies to Christian dating. You can do a lot of damage and cause unnecessary pain when you’re in a hurry. Oppositely, you can build something beautiful in your dating relationship by taking it slow.
Slow isn’t a four-letter bad word. It has to do with taking things one step at a time. Relationships are like gardens—you can’t force them to produce a crop a week after you planted a seed. The same goes for relationships.
Here’s how Christians can date S.L.O.W.
Step by Step
Hurriendness myopically sprints the goal. Whatever it takes to get married, you’ll do it. But how you date is just as important as standing at the altar. When you’re patient, you are at peace with taking the relationship one step at a time. There’s no reason to run to the altar. You know that it takes time to get to know someone, and you’re willing to put in the work to do so.
As I’ve stated in previous writings, there are five stages in a Christian dating relationship. Each stage is a period of time that you get to know them in a different way. You must do all the stages, and they are best in order. (You can skip stage two, which is non-exclusive dating, and many people do). You can read more about the stages here.
Friendship–>Non-Exclusive Dating–>Dating–>Engagment–Marriage
Walking instead of sprinting in a dating relationship will save time, energy, and unnecessary pain. The Bible states that “Love is patient” (1 Cor 13:4). Patience has a quality of endurance. In dating, you know you’d love to zoom into engagement and marriage, but patience paces the relationship. Think of patience as a combination of endurance and prudence.
If you’re patient, you’ll stay on the right path, but that doesn’t mean I recommend dating for a decade to get married. There are seasons in a relationship, and you must go through Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall before you get married.
Listen to God
As you take the relationship one step at a time, listen to what the Lord says about it. I’m not talking about audibly hearing from Him, but interacting with the Holy Spirit and understanding His Will for you and the other person.
What I mostly mean about hearing from God is acquiring His wisdom and learning about the Lord’s character and nature. Solomon writes in Proverbs 3:13-14,
“Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding,
for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.”
To make a decision, we need the Lord’s insight. One practical model I use is A.I.R.E.S., and you can read about it here.
Observe What You Form Together
Jilt compatibility and instead ask the question, “What do we form together?” Consider this metaphor. If you like to cook, you know that ketchup is excellent for hamburgers and wasabi is good for sushi. But you don’t combine the two. Likewise, just because two God-fearing Christians date doesn’t mean they like what they form together.
Why two people fit together and why others don’t is a mystery. Marrying another Christian is not enough.
Assess the kind of relationship you create. Think about when someone says something like, “They bring out my silly side” or “They challenge me to be more like Christ.” The relationship makes you more of who you want to be.
The opposite is also true. For some reason, even if you can’t put your finger on it, he or she could make you worry more, draw you away from Jesus, or not like yourself as much.
Wait for Physical Affection
Finally, to take a Christian dating relationship S.L.O.W., your mind-in-Christ needs to lead the relationship, not your loins. One of the ways to do this is by waiting as long as possible for physical affection. Holding hands, kissing, and cuddling might create effulgent emotions, but they cloud decision-making.
Who you choose to marry is the most important decision you’ll make in this life, except for the one you made to follow Christ. C.S. Lewis says that “indulgence brings fog.” Diving into physical affection too soon clouds the relationship. Why make it blurry when deciding if they’ll be a good husband or wife?
Don’t let your emotions get the best of you, so make relationship decisions using your mind, not your body.
Remember To…
Remember to have fun as you date. Dating doesn’t have to be drudgery. Yes, you might experience a heartbreak or two, but something is off if you’re not having fun.
Enjoy your search for a spouse, take it S.L.O.W., and allow God to show you, in His time, whether the relationship has what it takes to progress to marriage.
