There’s no doubt that Valentine’s Day is a dubious, fabricated holiday to get people to spend more money. Whether you gag or glee on February 14th, it’s a poignant reminder to singles of their, well, singleness. The abounding heart-candies, love notes, and aromatic flowers are bitter pills to swallow for those who lack a babe or beau. I’m blessed to avoid the fray, however. I was born on February 15th, so I’m focused on the parties, cakes, and presents, which overshadow the feeling of loss from being unmarried.
I know that many wonderful ladies are tired of waiting for their ship to come in. They want to find their husband. They are ready to act but feel trepidation about making the first move. It’s a popular topic. My most read article is Can a Christian Woman Make the First Move?. Thousands of men and women have read it and provided loads of feedback. When I first shared it to a single group’s social media site, it lit their page on fire. There was so much uproar and debate, the moderators deleted my post. Talk about censorship—I was canceled by my own Chrisitan culture.
Now, I’m upping the ante. Whereas that article made a case that it’s totally OK for women to initiate, this one is about “Should a woman directly ask out a guy?”
Let me clarify what I mean. I’m referring to a bold, carte blanc, in-your-face, no-qualms-about-it, phone call, text, or in-person appeal to a man to see if he wants to go on a date. The question could originate as “Hi Joe. I like you. Do you want to go on a date with me? Or, “Hi, Gary. Do you see a future for us? Want to go out?” In other words, she is going all-in.
Does the Bible Support Women Asking-Out Men?
In Ancient Near East times, along with the NT Jewish culture, there was no “asking-out.” Dating didn’t exist. The question, therefore, is an oxymoron. Instead, parents set up the man and woman for sociopolitical or economic reasons. The Lord didn’t invent dating, we did. Dating is a social construct that has been appropriated by modern culture. God teaches us in Scripture how to love all people, regardless of what kind of relationship you’re in.
Overall, the Bible focuses on who to marry and the marriage rules after you acquire a spouse. How to find a mate isn’t mentioned. The laws found in Exodus and Deuteronomy are primarily concerned with virginity, adultery, taking wives from battles won, and several other regulations (see Deut 22:13-21, Ex 20:14, Deut 21:10-14). And when God does highlight a particular marriage story (Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebehka, Hosea and Gomer, etc.), it was for His a specific purpose. We don’t read about commoners getting married in the Bible just like we don’t read headlines in the national news about a wedding at your local church.
In the NT, Jesus taught on marriage in regard to divorce and adultery. Peter also addresses wives, and Paul explains how husbands and wives should treat each other (Mat 5:31-31, 1 Pet 3:1-7, Eph 5:21-33).
Adam Pursued Eve
Scripture’s silence on the courting process doesn’t mean that lessons can’t be extracted. Look at Genesis 2:22-24.
“The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.
The man said,
‘This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.’
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (NASB).
We see that God initially formed Adam, then Eve originated from him. He was created first, not out of importance but out of function. Adam is the protagonist in Genesis 2 and, subsequently, the one doing the leaving-the-home part. Genesis 2:24 isn’t writing a rule that all men will leave their families to join his wife’s family. It was often the opposite case in the Bible. According to theologian K.A. Matthews, “It was customary in Israel for a man to remain, not leave, his father’s household[1],” as in the case of Rebekah coming to live with Isaac and his family. The “leaving” that Genesis 3:24 is referring to here is metaphorical. The separation implies that the man and woman form a new emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual bond between one another, and the man initiates this process.
Adam is also the focus of the narrative in Genesis 3. He’s the one searching and pining away for a mate because “there was not found a helper suitable for him” (2:20). The NRSV puts Adam’s words in their proper affection: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (italics mine). He was ecstatic. Men, wouldn’t you be after spending so much time with just animals around? It reminds me of Chris Pratt’s character in the sci-fi movie Passengers. (Spoiler alert!) His cryogenic tube malfunctions, and he’s alone on an interstellar spaceship for over a year. Pratt’s only companion is a robot bartender. Overcome with grief, he finally wakes up another passenger to have a companion (Jennifer Lawrence).
A Woman is a Treasure to be Found
In Genesis 28, Jacob follows the same pattern of pursuing his wife. His father Isaac commands him, “Go at once to Paddan-aram, to the house of Bethuel, your mother’s father. Marry one of the daughters of Laban, your mother’s brother.” (v. 28:2, CSB). Although that sort of familial arrangement is an anathema today, God ordained it. In obedience, “Jacob left Beer-sheba and went toward Haran.” (28:10, CSB). “Go” and “left” describe the action Jacob was taking to find a wife. He searched for his bride and ultimately found her at a well (see Gen 29:1-30).
Proverbs also show action on the part of the man. 18:22 in the NLT is my favorite version: “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” Indeed, a wife ordained by God is a priceless jewel for any man. The parallel passage is 8:35 “For one who finds me finds life, and obtains favor from the LORD.” Once more, we see the subject is the man, and the verb is “finds.”
Is it therefore God’s design that a man seeks out and initiates with a woman for marriage? Yes, in the majority of circumstances. Some might argue that these OT stories are out of date, misogynist, or draconian. But I don’t see it that way.
God has a wide tolerance for the romantic process since it is never defined in Scripture. There are no Proverbs about the man who “finds a date” or the one who “gets a girlfriend and obtains favor from God.” So if someone is eager to be pedantic about following the Lord’s design for dating, I’d like to hear the specific passages of Scripture they’d support it with.
Take another example like the church. What is it? How should the church look? What version of it brings the most glory to God? More than a few forms, I promise you. Likewise, it is dangerous to ascribe rules where the Bible doesn’t make one, so I won’t strain to carve out an inexorable moral imperative where one doesn’t exist.
I’ve met several Christian couples who were married after the woman asked-out her now-husband. An acquaintance of mine was shy and needed romantic cajoling. He admitted, “I would have never asked her out. I’m glad she asked me.” After having a child and experiencing loads of happy memories together, they still have a healthy marriage today. This is one case where a woman asking out a guy worked out well. I’m sure that there are others.
Spry Guys Won’t Need a Woman’s Help
Women don’t need permission to ask out a guy. She might be successful. But I also believe women should think twice about it. Maybe three times. As much I think women are free to be totally direct with a man, I believe God’s design puts the onus on the man to do the initiating. Adam was the one who was eagerly looking for a helpmate. God tells him that he’s the one to begin the “leaving” and “cleaving” process.
Second, from seeing women crash and burn many times, I know this method rarely works. The decent-looking, mature Christian men that I’ve met that have been asked out have said “no” every time. Let me be blunt: If you’re a woman reading this, there’s a 99% chance that the kind of solid Christian man you’re looking for won’t hold back in asking you on a date. He will approach you. Spry, sharp, emotionally adept, and spiritually attuned men won’t need your help; he’ll ask you out himself. If you like a guy and know he’s a mature Christian, but he’s not making a move, it’s because he’s not interested. If you still think he needs a nudge, then give him one.
One story I recently heard was of a married couple who lamented that the woman pursued the guy and initiated the relationship. They married, but because they reversed the order of the traditional courting process, they feel a “hole” in their marriage. The thing is, as Proverbs said, wives are a “treasure” (18:22 NLT). Treasures are found—they are not doled-out. Indeed, a woman’s heart is a beautiful, magnificent, priceless gem that should be discovered, not blithely proffered.
If a woman does ask out a man, she needs be prepared for any response. Most guys will be shocked. She might even flatter him, as I was when a woman asked me out. Others will stare at you like a dear in the headlights and stammer their way through the answer. Others will clam-up, or might not message you back at all. I can’t say for sure. Every guy is different, and it’s not well-trodden territory.
Conclusion – Should a Christian Woman Go for It?
I’d never deny a story of a great Christian marriage that began when a woman was bold, or even brash, in her pursuit of marriage. Celebrate the relationships that turned out well—just like Ruth for marriage pursued Boaz. The Lord likes to ad-lib in ways we don’t understand. Asking a guy out doesn’t make a woman radical feminist, brash, or indecent. We all want to be married, and I empathize with the women who are waiting around.
At the same time, these stories like Ruth and Boaz, Tamar and Judah, and Abigail David are descriptive, not prescriptive. If she pushes too hard, a woman might ultimately marry a passive lug who doesn’t have the grit to fight for the relationship when it gets tough. Allow the guy to ask “Do you want to go on a date?” That’s the kind of courageous man most women want.
Instead, I’d advise women to make a more subtle move. She can always share her feelings, to see where’s he’s at, or to move-on. It’s still risky, but at least this approach places the focus on him to respond. If he doesn’t reciprocate, then she has her answer.
Be bold, but let the guy take the brunt of the risk.
What Do You Think?
Ladies, have you ever asked out a guy? If so, how did it go?
Men, has a woman ever asked you out? How do you feel about it?
Make a comment below! And watch the video.
[1] Mathews, K. A. (1996). Genesis 1-11:26 (Vol. 1A, p. 223). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.
[2] Pettus, D. D. (2016). Tamar, Daughter-in-Law of Judah. In J. D. Barry, D. Bomar, D. R. Brown, R. Klippenstein, D. Mangum, C. Sinclair Wolcott, … W. Widder (Eds.), The Lexham Bible Dictionary. Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press.
[3] Block, D. I. (1999). Judges, Ruth (Vol. 6, p. 686). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.
