I experienced a broken engagement several years ago and it was the most painful experience of my life. One failure like this is enough for a lifetime. Regardless of whether you’re dating or engaged, letting go of a relationship that is less than God’s best is not easy—especially when you’re emotionally, socially, and spiritually invested in one another.

There’s no perfect way to break-up when you’re dating. Letting go, healing, and moving on takes time. Still, there are things we can do to make it easier.

Here are three tips below to ease the process of breaking-up.

Honesty is the Best Policy

First, you need to be honest with yourself. As soon as you realize a dating relationship isn’t meant for marriage, it’s time to end it. The sooner, the better. One of the most helpful dating skills is to spot mates with real potential earlier in the relationship before you’re invested. The opposite is also true. The sooner you know someone is a dud and won’t be “The One,” then it’s time to have that awkward conversation. Don’t be like me and wait until you’re engaged. If things aren’t going well in the dating relationship, getting engaged or married won’t make it easier. Marriage will only exacerbate the current problems in your dating relationship.

Be clear, respectful, and gracious—sometimes a tricky combination. I’d recommend one line I heard: “Thanks for giving me a chance to get to know you.”

Get Clear Counsel

If you need another voice—and you probably do—ask a trusted mentor, counselor, or friend for advice. Make big decisions like this in community. Depending on how long you dated, this decision will affect your church, small group community, and your heart. Let one or two people you trust know what you’re struggling with and ask for their advice. An outside perspective will help you see the situation in a new light. After one dialogue with my mentor about a woman I was dating, he simply said, “Run.” Laconic, but I needed to hear it. Proverbs 19:20 states, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (ESV).

In the end, if you’re feeling uneasy about a relationship or want to end it, trust your gut. The people you invite into your dating life will help you gain insight and clarity. But one thing advisors cannot do is decide for you. They won’t personally suffer the consequences of the relationship. Stay because you want to stay; go because you want to go.

Boundaries are Bliss

If you break-up, set stalwart boundaries and don’t contact them. Keep clear in your mind that this is the end of the relationship. After one breakup, I told my friends, “Don’t tell me anything about her. When I want to know, I’ll ask.” This abeyance gave me the space to let my heart heal and the power to hear about her when I felt ready. There’s nothing weak about setting boundaries on social media and with your friends. The space will help you get over them faster.

Thank the person you went out with for your time together and pay them a compliment. Then make it clear that you don’t see this going any further. Avoid statements like “Let’s stay friends” or “Let’s keep in touch.” One woman I was head-over-heels with broke up with me and said, “Maybe we could try again in a year-and-a-half.” I’m still not sure where she got that timeframe. We never did.

Each Breakup is Unique

Depending on how long you dated and the seriousness of the relationship, you’ll have to tailor your method of breaking-up to suit the situation. If you briefly exchanged messages online and only met once for coffee, you could probably get away with texting them. You could write, “I had fun, but I don’t see us being more than friends. Thank you for the get-together.” The point is, don’t just go AWOL on them—make sure you communicate.

Moreover, if you’ve been on a few dates, then the breakup requires at least a phone call. Yes, it’s hard to pick up the phone instead of texting in the dating culture we find ourselves in today. Doing what is right is often uncomfortable, scary, and awkward, as my mentor used to say. But if you follow Jesus, you’re always called to do what is difficult and upstanding. Paul states in Galatians 6:9, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (ESV).

Finally, if you’ve been dating for any length of time and live in the same area, I’d recommend getting together in person to end it. A young woman’s face is still seared in my mind. I saw one acquaintance walking out of church and her boyfriend broke-up with her over a text. Crestfallen, she looked down at her phone and said to herself, “He couldn’t even call?”

Error on the Side of Respect

In summary, be honest, get counsel, and allow the level of intimacy, commitment, and length of time in your dating relationship to dictate the best way to breakup. If you’re between two options (texting or calling), always go with the more difficult one (calling).

What do you think? Let me know what was helpful and not helpful in this blog. Also, check out my new dating book, How Should a Christian Date? It’s Not as Complicated as You Think.