Going through a divorce is grueling, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. I’m a child of divorce and I can see how much it hurt my mom and dad.
Overall, each person is unique and needs a different amount of time to recover before beginning to date again. However, getting back into dating isn’t so much about the time after your divorce. One way to know you’re ready to date is when you’ve experienced the three following things.
You Have Accepted the Loss
First, you’ve gone through the grieving process. Healthy grieving means you’ve dealt with the pain, accepted the divorce, let the person go, and no longer feel bitterness. There are different stages of grief and the last one is acceptance. Acceptance is the stage when you’ve genuinely released the person in your heart. In other words, they’re not negatively affecting your emotions as they did before, and you feel a sense of peace about moving on.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t feel pain from time to time about the loss of your spouse, but that the hope you have for the future is now greater than the grief.
I was never divorced, but I had a broken engagement years ago. Healing took a few years, and now I can finally bless her and have moved on. And this brings me to my second point.
You Can Bless Your Ex
You are ready to date again after a divorce when you can look back and bless your ex-husband or wife. Being able to bless them is a helpful litmus test and a huge step forward in the healing process. In other words, you’ve gotten to the point where you want the best for them. Love can be defined as willing the good for another person. You pray and genuinely desire what is good for their life now.
Forgiveness is difficult. When a tragedy like a divorce strikes, you may have to forgive not once but hundreds of times in your heart. To get over the pain and anger, start to pray for them. Pray for them long enough so that you can get to the point of blessing them.
You Can Say What You’ve Learned
Finally, you are ready to date when you can state what you’ve learned from your previous marriage and divorce. Some divorces are egregious and very one-sided, like when there is abuse or infidelity. Regardless of the reason, acceptance, healing, and growth are found by looking back and considering what you could have done better. A shorter question is, how does God want to grow you?
God turns ashes into beauty. Focusing on yourself (instead of the other person) will help you grow and keep you humble, even in the most painful circumstances. After my broken engagement, I can think of many things I could’ve done better. And hopefully, I have grown since then.
Remember that “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).
Don’t Compare
You’re ready to start dating when you’ve gone through the grieving process, when you can look back and bless the person, and when you can say what you’ve learned.
Everyone grieves differently for a different time. So don’t compare your journey of healing and forgiveness with anyone else. But we must forgive. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
What does that mean for a timeframe? It could mean as little as a day or a year or two.
My friend found out his wife was cheating on him, and their divorce took a year to finalize. He was more than ready to start dating and went on a date the day after the divorce was final and married an amazing woman.
If dating again takes you longer, don’t worry about it. God has His hand on you, and you’ll get back on that horse in your own time. The important part is not to rush. Make sure you learn something and find a semblance of healing first.
On a side note, let me add one more thing. There’s no perfect time to start dating. Just because you miss your ex or are still feeling some pain doesn’t mean that you can’t start dating again. You’re only ready to begin when you’ve endured the deepest valley of your breakup and now are walking on the upward slope where most of the pain is behind you.
Do you feel excited to date again? If so, this anticipation is another positive sign you’re ready.
I pray this prayer over you as you begin a new and hope-filled season:
“The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace” (Numbers 6:24-26, NIV).
What do you think? Please share a question or a comment below.
Check out my new book titled, How Should a Christian Date? It’s Not as Complicated as You Think (2021 Moody Publishers).
3 Responses
This was a really helpful and encouraging article. Thanks!
(..Donning editorial tendency hat..) Ahem!..
Where is the fourth thing? (“…way to know you’re ready to date is when you’ve experienced the four following things.”) I then find three proposed requirements! (“You’re ready to start dating when you’ve gone through the grieving process, when you can look back and bless the person, and when you can say what you’ve learned.”)
I’ve been robbed! Or something.
But seriously, I see the ravages of divorce in families close to me and it’s heartbreaking to see what some go through. Christ followers may be interested in following Christ’s teaching on this topic, but He appears to set the bar for divorce high. Am I missing something, or does it seem that anything that is legitimately distressing very often passes as grounds for divorce? In some cases, it seems there is clear need for separation, but divorce is reserved by Christ for cases of fornication.. right? Is there something in the Biblical teaching about this I’ve missed? I have missed things before….
I know this wasn’t specifically the focus of this article, and you may have addressed it in a previous article, but what are your thoughts about Christ’s teaching about remarriage (following divorce)?
🙂
Rebekah
*5th paragraph, first “year” – please add a “s”. Thanks!
(..Doffing editorial tendency hat..)
Hi Rebekah. Thanks for your comments. I changed the article to three things, haha. The fourth one was “Don’t Compare” your journey with another’s, but that was more of an encouragement. Essentially, Scripture shows that remarriage after divorce is permissible when there is adultery or an unbelieving spouse leaves (See Matthew 19 and 1 Cor 7). Did the Bible list all the reasons for appropriate divorce? I’m not sure. But God wants to keep people married. Marriage is a covenant and he takes it very seriously. Mark 10:9 states, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” And see the rest of what Jesus says in Mark 10:1-12. If we open up divorce to more reasons, it becomes a slippery slope. At the same time, divorce is nuanced, each situation is unique, and we must handle people going through it with wisdom, love, mercy, and grace.