Louis didn’t own a suit when he escorted Dorothy to the dance hall on that wintry evening in December. Since he was still on active duty in the United States Army, he wore his military uniform instead. They rode the bus to Palais Royal Dance Hall in South Bend, Indiana on New Year’s Eve in 1945. It was their first official date. For the last three years, they had corresponded through letters while Louis served in Europe in World War II. But it was this night, in the words of my grandfather, they “found each other.” A year later, they were married.
Fast forward almost three-quarters-of-a-century and my grandparents are celebrating seventy-one years of marriage this week. When I asked them what makes a marriage last, they responded with “letting go of the small things,” “doing good things for your spouse even when you don’t feel like it” and “forgiveness.”
To love a spouse that long, Louis and Dorothy understand the need for perseverance. For seventy-one years (and counting) they endured financial hardships, the death of loved ones, and uncertain economic times. Through it all, however, they have stayed together.
They also only purchased two homes in sixty years. My grandparents drove the same cars for decades and kept two identical ugly grass-green armchairs in their living room for as long as I can remember (some things are actually good to let go!). Their lifestyle is a veritable anachronism, set against a culture of endless upgrades and disposable living.
In my own life, I am often tempted by what is bigger, better, brighter and faster. Some of you can relate. We get mesmerized by the latest cellphone or computer while others are enticed by new cars or the latest fashion trends. Upgrading these items is mostly insignificant, but could this kind of transitory thinking spill over into changing churches, careers, or dare I say, spouses?
Perseverance, or its brother endurance, gives us staying power. A mental picture of this term is holding a weight over your head for a long period of time without wavering. In other words, it’s the ability to endure under pressure. Perseverance, therefore, decides in advance it is not moving. It thwarts the temptation to constantly trade-in or trade-up because it knows the best is right in front of you.
It’s a valuable trait in any endeavor worth doing. Whether you choose to learn the guitar, get into shape, become a surgeon, or get married, perseverance must be mastered to succeed.
People in committed relationships, who understand perseverance, don’t quit when faced with adversity. They aren’t flippant. Instead, their hearts are set on working out problems and not giving up. Practically speaking, divorce is not a word found in their vocabulary. They are “in it to win it” no matter what.
Put another way, perseverance is the power to dig-in your boot heels when things get tough. In the classic Wild West genre, it was referred to as grit.
The Bible has much to say about this. For example, Galatians 6:9 reminds us, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” James 5:11 states, “Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast.”
The reason we need to endure is because the most important things in life take time to develop. Farmers must wait five to eight years for standard apple trees to produce edible fruit. Other beautiful exotic plants, like the Agava Americana found in Arizona, only blossom after roughly ten years.
What we learn from horticulture we can apply directly to relationships. Something special happens when we stay put and work through challenging seasons. Love grows. Trust builds. Joy ensues and flowers bloom. Over time, we eat the fruit of perseverance. And only through the Lord’s nutrients can we ourselves be sustained.
Personally, I’m very cognisant of the sustaining power of perseverance. I have learned a truckload about relationships (and life) from making a truckload of mistakes— some of which have resulted from giving up too soon. As I look in the rear view mirror, I see how much God’s charge to endure could have helped in my own broken engagement. Ouch. The past cannot be changed, but the next time I commit to a woman, I’ll be all-in for the long haul.
Overall, there may be no greater trait to seek in a spouse than fortitude. How can unmarried folks develop staying power before matrimony? Consider your less than ideal job, and use it as a training ground for future endeavors. Do you have a coworker or family member who is difficult to be around? Love them consistently and you’ll grow in character. Overall, find an uncomfortable area in your life and commit to working on it. Persevere.
Even in bad marriages, there’s significant reasons to hope. According to Timothy Keller in The Meaning of Marriage, research indicates that “two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will be happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced.” He goes on to quote sociologist Linda J. Waite saying the “benefits of divorce have been oversold.”
I’m certainly not making a case that everyone should stay in an unhealthy relationship or an ailing church. Of course there are biblical grounds to break your commitment. My only point is that we could use the reminder that it’s all-too-easy to bail when things get hard.
My grandpa didn’t have a suit on that first date but he had grit. Without this staying power, Louis and Dorothy would never have been able to raise eight children on a single income. Nor would they have been together long enough to enjoy twenty grandkids and see ten great-grandchildren enter the world. Their marriage of three and a half scores is a true testament to perseverance. I thank God that He will never give up on us, so let’s hold fast and not give up on one another.
