What is So Christian About “Christian Dating?”

When we talk about “Christian dating,” what exactly makes it Christian? Before I answer that all-important question, I must begin with a significant caveat. “Christian dating,” or “Biblical dating,” is an oxymoron. Nowhere in the Scripture’s sixty-six books is dating mentioned. Unmarried men and women simply didn’t go on dates, try each other out, and or be in and out of different relationships thousands of years ago. Instead, betrothals were arranged through each person’s parents. We must, therefore, read the Scriptures about romance with askance.

But just because the Bible is mum on the topic of so-called Christian dating, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a godly manner in which Christians should date.

Primarily, Christian dating is “Christian” because its followers are the ones doing it. If you know Jesus, you are a “temple” of the Holy Spirit,” and “the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you” (1 Cor 6:19, Ro 8:11). This is a profound mystery. What I know for sure is that if God dwells in us, then I can’t bifurcate my faith from my identity and in any other activity I engaged in. Just like my manhood can’t be hung on the coat rack when I enter someone’s apartment, neither can I separate myself from my faith. As the Bible points out, “The Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). Thank God for that.

The Apostle Paul also commands us that “whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus” (Col 3:17). The point is, slapping-on a Christian label doesn’t inherently make it godly; instead, it’s spirit-filled Christians themselves who make it so. Therefore, every role you find yourself in becomes a reflection of Him, whether you are a Christian plumber, Christian mechanic, Christian teacher, or Christian doctor.

Christian dating is no different. Christians are Christians because the Holy Spirit leads them. They follow God’s teachings in the Bible and try to emulate their Savior, Jesus. Every day, the Lord “makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image” (2 Cor 3:18, NLT). Furthermore, Christians follow God’s moral law and the words of Jesus in the Bible. With this in mind, Jesus doesn’t teach us how to date because He taught us how to love. When we know how to love properly, we positional ourselves to love properly in every kind of relationship. Love transcends what zeitgeist is that you live in. Whether you decide to date, court, or have your ma’ and pa’ set you up, you’ll do it well if you love. In other words, the many ways Christians do romance is the same as how we should be doing everything else—in love.

It’s important to get love right. As one Bible commentary put it, love is “God’s essential quality that seeks the best interests of others regardless of the others’ actions; love is commanded of believers.¹” In other words, love has the quality of doing good, even when our feelings want to lead us astray. Love will always be good, whether you desire it or not. As 1 Corinthians 13: 7 states, “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

According to the Bible, love can also be affection or desire. But being a good friend or passionate love often requires little from us. Those forms of godly love come easy. Often, they are an extension of our feelings. Hollywood movies, for example, take it further. They equate love to lust and sex. Intoxicating love certainly reflects God’s nature, but there’s much more to it.

Make no mistake: “God is love” (1 John 4:8). The Bible doesn’t say define this quality about any other person or being except for God. God exudes love because He is love. His love propelled Him to “give his one and only Son” (John 3:16). Love is also the litmus test to see whether you know God or not (1 John 4:7-8). The kind of love we struggle with is when it’s given to the undeserved, requires self-sacrifice, or when it’s purely an act of altruism. It’s easy to love others when they love you back—but what will you do if they show ill-will? Whether you’re single, married, or dating, love is a verb. Sometimes it costs us dearly. In fact, love cost Jesus His life—a life in which He willingly gave on the cross.

How Do You Love in Dating?

Christian dating is a type of getting-to-know-you process between Christian men and women to determine if they will get married or not. To love in dating means that you treat the man or woman you’re going out with as you’d want to be treated. An untold number of problems would be thwarted in dating if singles followed the Golden Rule: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12).

For instance, if you would feel respected if someone was on time for a date, then you be on time. If you’d want to be talked to directly if someone had a problem with you, then you talk directly to others when there’s conflict. (Sidestepping gossip is one of the healthiest things you can do to have solid relationships.) Finally, if you want someone to respect your physical boundaries, why would you violate theirs? It seems simple. And there’s a myriad of other examples. But it’s so much easier to fall into the trap of expecting others to follow a standard that beleaguers your own life.

To love in dating also means that we tell the truth. “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25). It’s easy to slant the truth, bend it, or even break it by lying to get what we want or to protect ourselves. If someone asks you on a date and you don’t want to go, say “No, thank you” and move-on. Don’t give them your phone number if you don’t want them to contact you. Several years ago, at the end of one blind date, I knew she wasn’t “The One.” I simply said, “Thanks for giving me a chance to get to know you.” Exchanging contact details at that point was moot.

We also love the person we go out with through our character. The Fruit of the Spirit is a stark example of how we not only show up in the world but treat others. “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” What Paul means by “there is no law” is that this list is not exhaustive. In addition, there is no limit to how much we can embody these traits.

Specifically, consider patience. How many problems could be avoided in dating if we were just patient? Patience is needed when you want to go Mach 1 with a new, exciting relationship, but God is telling you to drive the speed limit. When you are single and don’t want to lower your standards just to go out with anyone, you’ll need the patience to wait for the right one. The utmost patience with God will be required from you when He says “No” to a particular man or woman. A little trust wouldn’t hurt, either.

As C.S. Lewis states in The Four Loves, “God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures so that he may love and perfect them.” We were created through love to love God and, in turn, love everyone around us. Life has many seasons that will require us to love differently, and dating only gives us another context to love someone whether they become our spouse or not. This is the heart of Christian dating.

There is much more to say about this topic. What do you think makes Christian dating Christian? What stands out to you when you think of how Christians treat each other during the spouse-finding process?

Comment below!