Why Women Asking Out Men Doesn’t Work (but One Reason to Go For It)

Single Christians are waiting longer than ever to get married. According to one survey of 15,000 couples by The Knot, the average age in 2021 for married couples was 32 [1]. Many women desire marriage before age 32. Unfortunately, in the church, women are at a statistical disadvantage. According to Pew Research, Christian women “are more likely than men to say religion is “very important” in their lives (60% vs. 47%)” and more women attend church than men[2]. The potential field of mates is smaller for Christian women because more women find faith important than men.

What’s a woman to do? Should they take charge of their love life and directly ask out Christian guys on dates?

Does this bold approach work?

Here are three reasons why women asking out men is a bad idea and one reason to go for it.

The Kind of Man She Wants Will Ask Her Out

I believe the kind of man most Christian women want to marry will do the asking-out. Most women want to meet a strong, emotionally healthy, kind, and courageous man. A mature man who likes a certain woman takes chances. They take risks and put their heart on the line. Most of the men who women want to marry will be the type who will risk getting rejected. In 1 Cor 16:13, the Apostle Paul writes, “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.” Courage is a foundational value to our character. As C.S. Lewis states, “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.” If a man isn’t courageous his other values will be tenuous.

There’s a maxim that says, How you do anything is how you do everything. For example, if he’s weak in courage, he’ll probably be attenuate in other important areas. In this case, he either lacks confidence, maturity, or both. And if he is struggling with confidence and a “no” would be devastating, then he’s not ready for a mature relationship.

Rejection Hurts

I’m glad God wired men to initiate and I wouldn’t give up that role for emotional safety or security. In some sense, I’m used to hearing a “no,” which has fortified a tolerance within me. Although women definitely know what rejection feels like, does she really want to place her heart on a platter for a man to accept or reject? Getting a thumbs down by a guy can easily lead to her thinking thoughts such as “I’m not good enough,” “I am not attractive enough,” or “Something is wrong with me.” God designed both women and men to be emotional beings, but research shows that women tend to experience more anxiety than men [4]. I wonder if such a direct romantic rejection could exacerbate this fact.

I believe this is one reason why men need to be the ones to initiate with women—to take the brunt of the risk and protect a woman’s heart. Chivalry might be passé to some, but I believe it’s one of the traits missing in today’s dating zeitgeist.

Women Asking Out Simply Men Doesn’t Work

In my experience and observations, women asking out men simply doesn’t work. Christian men don’t respond favorably to it and I’ve never seen it go well with my own eyes. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely flattering to us when it happens. I’ve been asked out and it made me feel proud, desirable and validated as a guy. In fact, there’s no world where a single guy wouldn’t be flattered and hold his head up high the rest of the day. I’ve always had more respect for the woman who initiated with me because of her openness and boldness.

One Reason to Ask Him Out

A woman might retort, “What if he likes me but is too scared to ask me out?” or “What if he needs a little help to get started?” That’s the one reason to do it because it occasionally works. I know one couple who would never have been married if the woman hadn’t asked out the guy. So, there are exceptions, and it would be foolish to posit that a woman should never ask out a guy. And because a woman asking out a guy is biblical (look at the provocative story of Ruth and Boaz in the Bible), she is free to do as she and God decide.

So, if you’re a single woman and want to be bold and carte blanc ask out a guy for a date, go for it. I applaud your braveness. For other women, I recommend stopping short of being that direct. If you want him to know that you like him, tell him how you feel and see how he responds. She can say, “I’m interested in you. Is there a possibility for an ‘us’?” Even if he says he’s not interested, you have an answer and can move on.

If the previous example was too scary, consider asking him out on a “soft start” date, which I explain in-depth in my Christian dating book. A soft-start date is asking a guy out without calling it one. Instead of saying “Do you want to go on a date?”, you could say “Do you want to go for a walk” or “Would you like to come to this party I’m hosting.” After a few of these, see where it leads. Most guys will understand that you’re showing romantic interest in him. The downside of soft-start dates is that they can be ambiguous, and the guy you’re interested in may not understand your motivation and miss your implicit bid for a date.

Overall, I wouldn’t completely rule out a woman asking out a guy. But that doesn’t change the fact that, in most cases, if the quality guy you’re waiting for wants to ask you out, he probably will.

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What are your thoughts?

I want to hear from the men and women. Do you know any couples who got married after the woman asked him out? Make a comment, and let me know what you think of this issue of women asking out men.

[1] https://www.theknot.com/content/average-age-of-marriage#the-2020-average-age-of

[2] Pew Research Center, March 22, 2016, “The Gender Gap in Religion Around the World”

[3] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/10/27/men-have-biological-clocks-too-so-why-does-no-one-talk-about-them/

[4] Bahrami, F., & Yousefi, N. (2011). Females are more anxious than males: a metacognitive perspective. Iranian journal of psychiatry and behavioral sciences, 5(2), 83–90.