Can Dating Be Platonic?

Have you seen the early 2000’s movie, Just Friends? The premise is that a young man, Chris Brander (played by actor Ryan Reynolds), has a crush on a woman named Jamie in high school. Chris is a nerd, overweight, and deathly afraid to reveal to Jamie how he feels. In one scene, outside a house party, they are together outside and alone. He can reveal to her his true feelings. Just as he’s about to reveal his love for her, she exclaims, “I love you…like a brother.” She believes the relationship is platonic; he doesn’t.

In the rest of the movie, Chris tries to escape the friend zone and start a relationship with her. I won’t tell you how it ends, but you can probably guess.

Dating  and Platonic are Contradictory

I read that people are asking, “Can Dating Be Platonic?” So, I decided to answer the question in this post.

According to dictionary.com, platonic means “of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex.” This is friendship. So, another way to ask the question is, Can dating be just about friendship and not romance? For the reasons I’ll spell out, platonic dating is contradictory.

It’s an oxymoron because dating is a vehicle that gets you to marriage. You meet someone, and curiosity sparks. The feeling could be a flicker or a flame. After that, you go on a series of get-togethers to find out if you want to marry them. If both people keep saying “yes,” to dating, the relationship moves forward. If either party says “no” at any point, the relationship ends. It’s pretty simple–dating has a direction. Platonic dating is only friendship.

It’s worth noting that dating isn’t the only way to get married—some men and women court. I’m not exactly sure what courting is other than super serious dating—singles who court have a firm idea they want to marry the person before dating them. Having an arranged marriage is the only other way to find a spouse. They are still practiced today in countries like India and China. Instead of you finding the person, someone else (usually your parents) finds them for you.

Stay or Get Off the Dating Train?

Dating can only be platonic at the beginning. Unlike friendship, dating has marriage as the destination. It was never meant to stay on the surface. Romantic relationships are a process of progressive intimacy and are not limited to surface relating. Therefore, the term platonic dating makes little sense because dating was never meant to stay in the realm of dating.

Consider this: Going on even one date is like buying a ticket for a train ride to marriage. You stay on the train, and once you have been on enough dates, the train goes to engagement. Then, you set a wedding date. But again, at any time, you can disembark. No one will force you to stay on the train. But naturally, it will go to marriage if you both get to know each other long enough.

I’m not inferring that broach the topic of dating on the first date because, to many people, that would feel awkward. Save the topic for later. Curiosity is critical–you’re curious if you’re going to marry that person, so you buy a ticket and see how many stops the train will go. Rather than discussing marriage on the first date, the idea of marriage should sit in the back of your mind for why you’re dating them. If you get a “no” for marriage, that’s a “no” for dating. Otherwise, why would you be dating?

Friendships Aren’t Like Marriage.

I’m talking about how God designed marriage versus friendship. Platonic refers to friendships. Solid and consistent friendships are crucial for a healthy life. To many their friends are their family or their “tribe.” Friendships can be deeply fulfilling, but they’ll never be like marriage. Not that marriage is better, per se, but it’s just built on a different foundation. For one, there isn’t a finite goal for a friendship like in dating. If things go well, friends who date eventually marry, which differs significantly from lifelong friends.

In dating relationships, there is a progression of intimacy that goes from Friends–>Dating–>Engagement–>Marriage. Friendship looks like this: Friends–>Better Friends–>Best Friends.

Compare the two. The nature of the relationship doesn’t change with friendship only with dating. At the end of your life, your friend will still be your friend, just a better one. Since dating is connected to marriage, it is more akin to a transformation of a moth into a butterfly than to a different kind of moth.

Also, in friendship, there is only an unspoken commitment to the relationship but no official covenant. In friendships, you don’t sign a document or vow before God to stay together. For example, I’ve had friends walk out of my life for seemingly petty reasons. In less sad circumstances, it’s often the case for various reasons that friends come in and out of your life.

But marriage has a fence. There’s a border around marriage that keeps you there when you don’t want to be. That barrier doesn’t occur in friendship. When there’s a tough time with your spouse, you have a covenant to fall back on, friends who witnessed your marriage, the wisdom of the church, and your relationship with God. Friendships also weather storms, but, again, are of a different nature.

Platonic Dating Isn’t a Thing

So, the terms platonic and dating are contradictory. The former is about friendship, and the other is about marriage. You either have a platonic friendship, or you’re dating. Dating is meant to get past the surface and eventually be sexual. As it should be, many dating relationships begin as platonic relationships (not “platonic dating”) but move forward to the next stop on the train line.

True dating, without any qualifiers, is based on the possibility of marriage. Marriage needs to be on the table at some point for dating to be dating.

I discuss more about the stages in dating in my dating book “How Should a Christian Date? It’s Not as Complicated as You Think.”

Can a man and a woman be friends? Of course. But don’t call it platonic dating. Call it what it is, “friendship,” without the possibility of marriage.

Finally, don’t be like Chris Brander in Just Friends. Shun platonic dating, which isn’t dating at all. Go on a proper date, keep the relationship moving forward, or get off at the next stop.

What do you think? Leave a comment or ask a question.