I was a new follower of Christ when the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye was released in 1997. Fortunately, I never drank its purple Kool-Aid, and I was thankful that youth pastors didn’t have a chance to shove its tenets down my impressionable throat. I was a member of the Roman Catholic Church, and my college group was insulated from the dating debacle ensuing in modern Protestantism. But I did read Harris’s book at least twice.

Now that this infamous “non-dater” has not only retracted his provocative book but jettisoned his faith, how do we fill the dating void left by IKDG? By reacting against what Harris taught, we’ve only learned what not to do in Christian dating. Since then, we’ve learned that dating is perfectly normal and that courting is highly optional for singles. The question remains, what kind of dating is helpful? What does the Bible teach? What are some immutable dating principles we can trust? These are big questions.

Different Ways to Date

Like Harris, I am a single guy who loves relationships. My heart wants to date well. But when I teach Christian relationships, I never purport an ironclad approach. For example, dating one person at a time is safe, straightforward and often makes romance less complicated. At the same time, if you choose to date non-exclusively (multiple people simultaneously), that’s also allowed. Whatever method of dating you go with, share your intention with that guy or gal with whom you’re spending time. The people you date can make better decisions about their own hearts with the information you share. People become needlessly harmed in dating when you don’t verbalize expectations early on. It’s a simple problem to fix, but it takes courage to communicate clearly.

It also doesn’t matter how you get a date. Meeting other Christians through phone apps, speed dating, or church are all acceptable methods to expand your available pool of possible matches. How we connect now is different than even ten years ago, so embrace dating’s diversity.

God’s Word and Going Out

Likewise, I’ve often said that there’s no one right way to date, just many wrong ones. God gives us a big dating yard to play in, but we need to stay within His principles. I Kissed Dating Goodbye wasn’t heresy—it was only one way to find a spouse. Therefore, the primary wrong ways to date are those ways that are outside of God’s will. Even though the Bible is mute on dating, the Lord has quite a lot to say on the matter. Scripture doesn’t tell us how to date, per se, but who to marry.

First, as Christians, God is mainly concerned with us finding a man or woman who has the same faith and exhibits strong character. 2 Corinthians 6:14 states, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” Proverbs 31:10 asks, Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.” The same standard goes for husbands–character needs to be king and queen in your dating cards.

Regarding how we date, Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (ESV). Emotional prudence is paramount in dating. We shouldn’t become emotionally entangled with someone (not our wife) too early. Take dating in stages, and don’t go too fast. At the outset, determine what things you’ll say and do in engagement that you won’t do in dating. For example, if kissing is too intimate for your nascent relationship, wait to see where the relationship is headed until you lock lips.

The famous Golden Rule also rings true for daters in all generations. “Treat others the same way you want to treat you” (Luke 6:31).” The best answers often come when we picture ourselves in the shoes of the person we date. 1 Corinthians 13:1-1 is the famous section on love, applicable for our dating life. How much can we learn by simply understanding that love–even romantic love–is patient. Again, guard your heart until you know the relationship’s direction.

Scripture is also clear that boyfriends and girlfriends shouldn’t be idols. According to Timothy Keller, idols are anything “we must have at all costs.” Idols are people, things, experiences, or feelings that take the place of God. That is why God’s Number One commandment God gave on Mount Sinai was “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). The Lord doesn’t want to share His throne with anything or anyone else. Finding a wife or husband won’t solve all of your problems. Unmarried friends: It’s good to remind ourselves that our ultimate hope, joy, and fulfillment originate from the Holy Spirit. To this end, that is why the Apostle Paul warns us that “But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this” (1 Corinthians 7:28).

Dating Denotes Special Meaning

I agree with Harris that we shouldn’t do relationships willy nilly. Whatever a date is, it’s an event with special meaning. That’s why receiving a text from a buddy who cancels grabbing dinner after work is different than when someone who makes your heart skip a beat does the same thing. Dating tugs on our heartstrings, so it’s best not to do it haphazardly. Dating has a purpose, namely, marriage. The only litmus test for going out with someone is if you’re curious about them for the possibility of marriage. What’s the point of spending months of one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex if you have no genuine interest in exploring the possibility of a lifelong relationship? I’ll set the dating bar lower: You don’t even have to know if you are curious about marrying someone–you can go on a date to see if you could be curious. How’s that for a big dating yard to play within?

Don’t get me wrong: Dating needs to be fun and full of banter. Please don’t even bring up the topic of marriage early on. Let it stay in the back of your mind. Marriage is the goal of dating, and, at some point, you need to find out if this is the person you’ll tie the knot with. Until then, date with purpose, and build a solid friendship through some fun times together.

If you have a big zero on the attraction-o-meter and curiosity scale, keep that person in the Friend Zone. Set up boundaries that will glorify God and honor their heart and yours. Make sure your message for a platonic relationship is clear. Check your motive if you frequently hold one-hour talks with a cute guy or gal because it makes you feel good. If you have no intention of pursuing anything more, be careful about their heart and your own.

Now that Joshua Harris has left the dating scene and the Christian circle, it’s time to rethink how we date. It’s time to consider what we will do. God doesn’t leave us as dating orphans. Learn to date well by studying the Bible because Jesus is our model on how to treat people. Then look at what research says about what makes a healthy and fulfilling relationship. The famous marriage researcher John Gottman is my go-to guy. Check out The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, which is about marriage, but many of its principles can be applied to dating. From a Christian perspective, Les and Leslie Parrott read Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts. Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote Boundaries in Dating, which I reviewed here. Steve Arterburn also wrote a wise dating book called Is This the One? Insightful Dates for Finding the Love of Your Life.

God gives us dating principles to follow, but it’s up to us to interpret them amidst our culture. Take time to date, hear from the Lord, and decide what kind of dating works for you.

What are some dating principles you’ve learned in Scripture?

Check out my new dating book, How Should a Christian Dat? It’s Not as Complicated as You Think.