Sex outside of marriage was as hot of a topic in biblical times as in Christianity today. “Fleeing immorality,” which includes pre-marital sex, is a theme in 1 Corinthians and the rest of Scripture (6:18). So why don’t more Christians take waiting for sex seriously? According to Pew Research in 2020, 50% of Christians say, “Casual sex – defined in the survey as sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed romantic relationship – is sometimes or always acceptable” [1].
Woh—that’s a high number of Christians not following the Bible. What’s going on?
Can You Talk About Your Sexual Intentions?
The Bible’s boundaries around sex are clear, but sometimes we need a blast of truth from another source to shake us out of a sexual stupor. Wisdom comes from a variety of sources and sages. Here is a practical rubric: “Never go too far sexually with your partner than you’re willing to talk about.” This quote is by renowned psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson. Read that quote again—it’s good.
We know God’s will is for sex to remain in the marriage and one of the ways we know this is true is because it would be difficult to talk about sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend openly. Peterson’s point is that if you’re unwilling to verbalize your sexual intentions and bring them into the light, you shouldn’t be doing it.
Would you agree that sexual activity should be communicated with honesty and openness? For example, would you have the audacity to go on a date, snuggle up to them in their apartment, and, in the heat of the moment, ask this person if they’re OK with a specific sexual act? “Would you like to [sexual act goes here]? or “Can I touch your body here?” Could you be that open and honest? If not, and if you know Christ and are a temple of the Holy Spirit, you’d feel immense shame and an unwillingness to ask (1 Cor 6:19).
The question of How far is too far before marriage? can be reframed to How far can you go while talking about it?
Bring Sex Into the Light
If you can freely discuss your sexual intentions with your partner, it still doesn’t mean it’s OK. But my guess is that you’d feel a bit of shame from knowing God and indulging in sexual activities outside of His will.
The shame cycle goes like this: If you’re closed and unwilling to be honest and open, you’re hiding something. If you’re hiding something, it’s because you’re either afraid you’ll get caught, it will ruin the moment, or you’re ashamed of what you want. Feeling shame for dishonesty or guile is a glaring red flashing stop sign. In these cases, our internal compass is triggered, known as the conscious. Our conscious exists to protect us, and a God-given moral compass that we, and even those outside the church, are guided by (see Romans 2:14-15).
If shame festers, we become like Adam and Eve, who sinned and hid from God. The Lord looked for them and called, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid” (Gen 3:9-10). How many Christians have stopped attending church because they’ve messed up sexually and feel shame? They fear returning to a place of worship where they could feel judged. Or how many believers have stopped being fruitful in their faith because they have hidden shame? Christian singles need mercy, grace, and solid teaching about this topic, not judgment.
Whatever you struggle with, if you feel shame, the antidote is to expose it. It will be the one thing you don’t want to do—sharing your struggle with others. “For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light” (Eph 5:8).
How Far is Too Far Before Marriage?
The Bible is sufficient for understanding moral truths, including staking-out boundaries for sex before marriage. But challenges like “Never go too far sexually with your partner than you’re willing to talk about” are a practical complement to how you know when you’re going too far. Peterson’s question is designed to prick your conscious, the innate alarm system that steers you from harm. Listen to it. If you’re hiding something, whether it’s a shady business contract, details about the used car you’re trying to sell, or sexual activity, it’s a clear sign that you shouldn’t be doing it.
Take conviction as a gift. Assess your situation from a place of openness and be curious as to why you’re not willing to be completely open about it. Allow the Lord to keep pricking your conscious.
But it isn’t foolproof. It’s possible that a person’s conscious is “seared as with a hot iron” and doesn’t work (1 Tim 4:2). So, just because you’re not convicted to abstain from sex doesn’t make it right. That’s where Scripture comes in: The moral truths of the Bible are immutable and timeless and are a necessary brick wall to our actions when our sexual cravings take over.
Keep in mind God loves sex. He created it for marriage. Peruse the Song of Solomon, where Solomon describes his lover’s thighs as “jewelry” or her breasts like “two fawns” (7:1-3). I hope the Lord blesses you with roof-raising, barn-burning, off-the-charts sex when you find a spouse. If you are single and “burn with passion,” the answer is to, by God’s grace, abstain or get married (1 Cor 7:9).
Don’t get caught in the trap of Pharisaical purity, either. Purity is a wholeheartedness towards God and we are saved by grace, not by works (Eph 2:8-9). There’s no amount of sexual purity that could you make you right with God. Indeed, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Ro 3:23). But we must take on the challenge to live in the light and “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18).
Chapter 9 in my dating book discusses sex in-depth and will offer even more insights into this topic. Check it out here.
[1] https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/08/31/half-of-u-s-christians-say-casual-sex-between-consenting-adults-is-sometimes-or-always-acceptable/
Anon
November 19, 2023 at 3:37 am
“The question of How far is too far before marriage? can be reframed to How far can you go while talking about it?”
I really like this rule of thumb. It helps a couple realize, or be reminded, why it’s important to communicate regarding, and frankly discuss, physical boundaries and their expectations for physical intimacy.
When my now-wife and I were dating, we frequently had these discussions, both ahead of time and in the passionate heat of the moment. Sometimes it might just be a “are you okay with this?” Sometimes it wasn’t spoken at all but still consented to. The times we went further than we wanted to at that particular time, I think we were no longer thinking of this. I think in general I was following something like this rule as I often liked to verbally talk about what I or she was doing and what I wanted. In part to communicate that agreement that this was within what we were okay with, in part to communicate what I was feeling and how she made me feel, and in part to encourage her view of herself as someone desirable. For instance, when my hands were down the back of her leggings and underpants or her pjs I’d tell her it was because of how much I desired her and I was going to feel every inch of her butt so she’d know how beautiful I found her. And when she did similar to me I’d say how I wanted her to feel every inch of my butt, too, because of how intimate that was.
If at any point either of us felt uncomfortable, we’d immediately stop. Sometimes mutually we’d get caught up in the moment and agrees to go farther than we felt was right at the time. But there were lines we never were going to cross, and we didn’t cross those. We were open and honest about our feelings. Like when she first shared how she’d become comfortable with me to where she was fine with idea of having sex with me (with the expectation that this would only come once married.